How I Knew I Was Healing After a Breakup

Written By Laura Santiago

The shift was subtle. But it was real.

One of the strangest things about healing from a breakup is that it often happens without any big moment to mark it. You go from feeling like the ground has disappeared beneath you to quietly standing up again—only you don’t realize you’ve been upright for a while.

That’s what happened to me. The beginning of the breakup was loud and disruptive. It filled my days, my thoughts, and my conversations. But slowly, and without ceremony, that phase softened. I couldn’t point to an exact day or time when I felt “over it.” But at some point, I looked back and hardly recognized the version of myself that was so consumed by it all. And that realization? It was empowering.

This post is partly for anyone in the thick of it. But if I’m honest, I also wrote it for my future self—just in case I ever need to be reminded that I’ve done this before. That I’ve made it through. That healing is possible, even when it feels impossibly far away.

And while I haven’t included a timeline—because, truthfully, I don’t remember how long each phase lasted—I’ve mapped out the signs that let me know healing was happening. Even when it didn’t feel like it at the time.

 

First Steps

The earliest signs were quiet. They weren’t major breakthroughs, just small moments that marked a shift.

  • I noticed I could get through part of the day without thinking about them. Sometimes this was because I’d focused on something that made me feel good—reading, working, walking, anything that put me back in my own world.

  • I didn’t feel the urge to talk about them constantly. I used to bring them up in conversations almost automatically. Over time, I realized that rehashing things wasn’t helping me heal—it was keeping me stuck.

  • I stopped replaying scenes in my head. The mental reruns of what was said, what I wish I’d said, or what could’ve gone differently began to slow down.

  • Everything didn’t remind me of them anymore. Early on, it felt like every street sign, joke, or food order brought them to mind. Eventually, that faded.

  • When I did think of them—say, during a scene in a movie—I could acknowledge it and gently let the thought pass. That was new for me.

 

Intermediate Steps

These changes were more about how I responded to old triggers. I wasn’t immune to the memories—but they didn’t sting as much.

  • I could hear music we used to love and still enjoy it. The song didn’t have to be off-limits.

  • Someone else’s breakup story didn’t knock the wind out of me. I could listen with empathy, not through the lens of my own pain.

  • I started to understand what that relationship meant to me, without obsessing over it. It became part of my story, not the whole thing.

 

Big Steps That Point to Being Genuinely Over a Breakup

These were the signs that made me realize I’d reached the other side—even if it took longer than I thought it would.

  • I stopped counting the days since the breakup. In the early stages, I knew exactly how many weeks had passed. One day, I realized I’d lost track—and I didn’t care to find out.

  • Significant dates no longer brought pain. I once ended a relationship on Valentine’s Day and assumed that date would forever sting. Spoiler: it doesn’t. It honestly feels like any other day now.

  • I didn’t get nervous or excited about the idea of hearing from them. A message from them or a post on their feed didn’t bring up much at all—just a quiet knowing that this person is no longer part of my life. That my energy belongs elsewhere.

 

I know these reflections might sound a little clinical. But the truth is, there were so many messy, emotional moments between each one. Healing isn’t linear. Some days felt like regression. But what I’ve come to learn is that healing doesn’t always show up loudly. Sometimes it’s just waking up and realizing: I’m okay today.

If you’re reading this and wondering if you’ll ever feel that way, I hope you’ll hold on to the fact that it really does happen. You don’t have to force it or rush it. Just keep turning back to yourself—your routines, your people, your peace. And trust that one day, you’ll look back and barely recognize the person who thought they’d never get through it.

 

Related Reads from The Modern Workweek

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Laura Santiago
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